St. Andrew’s Home School

This post was started before the decision had been made to do more homeschooling this year, but I wanted to finish the post anyway.

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Yeppers. I’m at that point again. I just don’t know what to do. Whatever the complete and final decision is, it will include at least a little of it all. I never really wrote much about it when we put them in school this past January, but the time has come for decisions again. I still don’t know what to do.
I go back and forth and back and forth about it. I think through it daily and here are a few of my thoughts, in no particular order:

• I miss having them home. I miss doing certain things with them.
• But - I like having some time without great and multiple interruption to get things done (with just the two little ones).
• I miss them being able to be children and get school done and out of the way and then playing or just being able to be children.
• But - I liked that they had a “formal” art class and school music class.
• I really don’t like to hear them scream all day - even when the screams are of glee and happiness and laughter - it just gets loud.
• But - I miss having and hearing their conversations and the stories they make up and act out when they are together.

I don’t have to think through the issues of friends and social stuff and all that first-time, new to homeschooling stuff. Been there, done that. That’s a non-issue for me. I don’t even have that much to think about when it comes to curriculum. I do have to look into a few new things as the oldest will need new stuff, but I have what I need for the younger ones (mostly). My biggest challenges in keeping them home this year (if I do it) will be in the needs I have.

This is actually the hardest part for me. I don’t want to come across as selfish, but I’m afraid that is how I will be seen. Whatever you think of me this is how it is for me. I get all torn between the feelings of being a mom and the actuality of being a mom. I love social stuff. I love to get out. I love to be a go, go girl. I like to do things just because I thought to do them and go do them - like load up and go get coffee with a friend. Or make a trip to the craft/fabric store to get what I need for a project I just thought up. Here, it doesn’t work like that. As a matter of fact, those are impossibles here in this town. I don’t have a friend to go get a cup of coffee with and just enjoy being with for even a short 30 minutes. I don’t have a craft/fabric store near enough to me to make a quick run and get some things for a great project for us. I don’t even have a bookstore or place to go sit and enjoy being just quiet and me for a few minutes. While I’ve blogged before about my need for quiet and time alone to regroup, I don’t like being a complete and total hermit. As a matter of fact I hate it. I do tend to look at life from the outside most times and some times too much. Many times I’m content to sit on my porch and enjoy being outside by myself just as much as I enjoy going out for coffee with a friend. It’s the pleasure of not being in my house all day long. I enjoyed gardening in Hattiesburg, but I can’t do that here (it’s this whole rental crap thing). I have to plan every stinkin’ thing before I do it. I know that’s a good thing, but it’s way too extreme.

Example: I planned a small project with the children one day when we were living in Hattiesburg. I made a list of things we needed. I knew we would need to go to Wal-mart, Hobby Lobby, and maybe even to Michael’s or Lowe’s/Home Depot too. All those things were within five miles of me. So even though it was a possible trip to many stores they were all right there, close at hand. Now, here, they are all at least 35 miles away and all very far from each other. It’s a day trip to do anything. And if I forget something, I might as well just not do the project because with gas prices and the time to get what we’d need it’s another day trip to the next town.

The need of mine to get out alone or be alone is very real. I’ve had very little of that lately, since the Reverend had to pick up a second job. And there are certain projects that aren’t getting down at all anymore because of his time - like the lawn and car maintenance and a few other such things. Oh, sure, I can do those, but then something else I need to do gets put out and not done. I have written about being tired and worn out with this schedule and how burnt out we both feel. I have written about my need to have some down time. And with those three very important situations I wonder how successful I will be this year.

For this year to be successful for our family (even without homeschooling) two things are going to have to fall into place:

1. the Reverend is definitely going to have to look for some other way to bring in the extra income. This pizza delivery/cleaning the kitchen thing is getting old. The money earned vs. the stress it is causing our family is not worth what it is doing to us all - we are tired, we are aggravated, we have no time together, the children hardly see him, we do not eat together anymore, and it is obvious that it is not a temporary thing. To live here, this is how it is going to be and this is not good for us, any of us. All of this is affecting our health too; take my daily headaches, I did not have a single one while we were away to Birmingham this past week or during the time we were in Memphis.
2. I am going to have to have one night a week that is totally mine. I know that may be unrealistic, but I don’t know what else to do. I need to be able to lock myself away in my office, without interruption (even from the Rev.) or go to a movie by myself or go for a drive if I need time out of the house or something of the sort or maybe do any of those things with someone if I choose to do so; I just need to have some down time.

I need time to reflect, refrain, release, renew, resolve, review, regroup, refresh, refuel, and the list goes on. I can not keep up this pace without those things. And without these things I am not what I can be for my family, I am unable to give them what they need to the full extent that they need it.

Here’s to making it work and praying God allows it and that he helps us find the balance and the financial gain to make our lives livable.